I have been MIA from the blog lately, and I wanted to start the first Monday of the new year with a post. So here it is. Now what?
If you subscribed to this blog, you know how random and inconsistently my posts have been as of late. I have slid into my new career path as a "content creator," and I haven't been doing much content lately, so you might ask yourself, where is the content??
You would be asking the right question. I have been going through an existential crisis about my latest "reinvention" of myself. Imposter syndrome is setting in full force, and it has been brutal trying to convince myself this is the right thing to do with my talents. I left a solid career and a very successful one; the core reason for my departure from consulting engineering was that I wasn't happy. I felt unfulfilled and felt I was just a cog in the wheel.
Wait - is there something wrong with being a "cog in the wheel"? Can a wheel "wheel" without a cog? Fair. My only point is that consulting engineering wasn't for me anymore, and I felt unchallenged and bored. My work product suffers when I am bored, so I knew it was time to exit before I soiled my reputation. I am a firm believer that you should do what you enjoy and if you have the opportunity to try something new and exciting to go for it. I am very fortunate to have the chance to make a career change like this, and I know how lucky I am to have the ability to absorb some of the risks associated with making such a significant change in income. It is still scary as fuck, and at times I question my life choices.
The potential to change hearts and minds and push public policy to help people thrive is super exciting. It hits all my buttons. The fact that I have the ability and technology to have a voice is terrific. What a time to be alive!! I love live streaming and ranting off the cuff, and when I am on, I could go forever.
And then, as soon as these positive thoughts enter my brain noodle, they are immediately chased away by the negative thoughts.
You aren't even a journalist. You have no communication background. You aren't even a graphic designer. You are not in the least bit artistic. You stumble on your words. You are frenetic. You will never be as good as you think you could be. You are inconsistent. Do you even know what you are talking about? People just want to watch to see me fail. Everyone is laughing and I am a big joke. When people support me it is out of sheer pity and only because they are wondering what the fuck happened to Nate?
Ad nauseam... Repeat over and over and over.
I reread that last paragraph of negative thoughts, and it saddens me. Deep down inside, I know I can do whatever my mind wants to do. But it isn't easy when that same mind tells you how awful and shitty you are at this thing you love. And then the real doubt sets in. Am I mentally equipped to deal with all the negativity that will come my way? The hate? What about the inevitable disapproval from friends and family? Will my family be embarrassed by their "crazy uncle"? Will I involuntarily bring shame and dishonor to their name by telling my story? Am I even allowed to tell my story? Oy vey!
The journey is hard and long, but the view is excellent, and I plan on seeing it all. The good news is that I am equipped to handle what is coming. The fact is that I will suck until I don't. I will get better over time. Every time I make a change in my life, I can grow and contribute to society even more than before. I am also allowed to be proud of myself for what I have already accomplished.
The battle raging in my head that is fueling self-doubt is being won. The volume of their voices tends to be the loudest in the beginning. These hostile agents seize this opportunity because they know you don't see what you will become. This is their moment to throw you off your game - before you even started.
This post is not to excuse my lack of content creation. It isn't meant to tug at your heart strings or invoke sympathy. This post is as much for me as it was for you. I want to be my authentic self, which requires honesty and self-evaluation. I need to be honest with myself and the world if I am going to be any beacon of truth and a catalyst for change.
Now you might be thinking, "yeah, but what does it all mean? We all got shit going on, dude. We all have negative voices. Why should I care?" All good questions.
My answer is simple - I believe I have an exciting story to tell and one that many people across the entire spectrum will be able to find relatable. I can use my voice to entertain, engage, instigate, and motivate people to action for the betterment of the world in which we live. My commitment to you is to have at least 100 new articles on this site by the end of the year - that is, two blog posts a week.
2022 will be a year where you will get a ton of shareable content from this blog. I will keep you posted on the battles that are being played out in my mind (as if you care), and I will make an effort to push through those existential moments and be more consistent. My livelihood depends on it.
For those who read this far, I want to thank you. I want to thank all the people buying merchandise from the store. I want to express gratitude to the people that pay a subscription to this blog, I love doing my rants, and I can't wait to see where we end up at the end of this journey. Take it with me! Let's make it a wild ride together! I am committed to completing my reinvention, and I would love your continued support.